Welcome back to another update to my life.
Spoiler alert: Not much has changed since my last update two weeks ago.
I’m still working both jobs. They’re both still tiring me out. On the uncommon night that I don’t work at Dillons, do I go to bed early? No. No, I do not.
No. I just have more time to keep up to date on other things, mainly Genius. NF has been dropping singles left and right. They’ve been keeping me busy. I’m so excited for The Search to drop next week.
The most exciting thing that happened since last I posted was the Fourth of July. I had a close friend from Colorado come spend the weekend and we pretty much just hung out. We went and saw the community theater’s production of Mamma Mia! I had never seen it nor the movie but I’m not a fan of it. Nonetheless, it was a great production in which everyone involved did a great job. We also wandered around, took pictures, made food, got coffee, among other things. We made several good memories.
It really makes me miss the rest of my friends from Sterling. I’m just here waiting for them to come back.
I’ve been experiencing doubt lately. Like an unhealthy amount of it. Like more than doubting Endgame will beat Avatar.
Like doubting things God says about me. Doubting that I did the best I could in a bad situation. Doubting that things will get better.
This isn’t because I don’t want those things. Believe me, I do. It’s because I’m not seeing the proof of them. It could be that I’m impatient and tired of waiting. It could be that I’m ungrateful for what has already been given to me. I could simply just be missing it. I’m a guy. Sometimes we miss the most obvious things that happen.
And I’ve been beating myself up for it. Yeah, I know it’s not right. But…
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I know I’m not the first person to deal with these things but it sometimes feels like I am.
Well, I’m not. David (last name not specified) did as well. And he records his prayer to God in Psalm 88:13-18 (ESV):
But I, O Lord, cry to you; in the morning my prayer comes before you. O Lord, why do you cast my soul away? Why do you hide your face from me? Afflicted and close to death from my youth up, I suffer your terrors; I am helpless. Your wrath has swept over me; your dreadful assaults destroy me. They surround me like a flood all day long; they close in on me together. You have caused my beloved and my friend to shun me; my companions have become darkness.
OK. I haven’t faced doubt on the level that David (last name not specified) did when he wrote this but I still feel for him.
It also got me thinking that sometimes, when dealt with properly, doubt be a good thing. It can lead to a better path than the one you were previously on. Sometimes, we doubt things because we don’t understand them. It causes us to ask questions that we can’t answer for ourselves. But sometimes that means we were searching for more of something that we already have.
For example, I doubted God because I didn’t feel close enough to God and didn’t feel like I could get closer than I already was. Is that bad? Well, if I stop there, yes. OR, instead, I can use that doubt to push me to get closer to Him than I already was.
I haven’t completely defeated this giant that is before me but rest assured I am closer than I was when I first noticed him.
It’s like what Andy Mineo says in his song “Clarity”:
The opposite of faith ain’t doubt It’s when I get it all figured out
I hope this is making sense. If not, I tend to be like that from time to time.
Or all the time.
Either way, that’s just been something on my mind lately.